Ive lived my life as a decent human being for the past several years. I cant speak well for the years before that but ive been a good dad, a loving boyfriend, a hard worker... It bothers me when past demons come back to life. Not even to that extent. I cut a lot of people out of my life. For good reasons. That was years ago and I never expected or wanted to hear from them again.... I got a message from someone recently and it made me cringe. It wasnt event the message. It was just remembering the past.

Its been a few years since i've touched a camera. It seemed I had lost interest. But since the baby has been born, every day i spend with lindsay and bailey is just amazing.

so this is my story. im not sure where to begin or even where it ends. ill start from....from that night in Janurary. It was one of the coldest winters I can remember. probably because I was living away from home in a single room apartment with one other person. Each window was frost covered from the inside out and there was snow clear up to the top porch step. But it was night time. 2am and I couldnt sleep. Things had been rough. The winter, the commute to and from work. (side note 1 ) The relationship which had ended just days before. It seemed life was at an all time low. I had been drinking and taking pills every night to sleep or if you will: self medicate. But even the liquor wasnt strong enough to keep my thoughts straight. They rushed through my mind, 60, 70, 80, 1 million miles per hour. I couldnt catch a single one. Everytime I would catch a glympse it seems I would throw up... like my heart was tired of this hurt and wanted to escape.

The Past nights I had gone into the hospital I suppose I was trying to warn or hint the obvious that something was going to happen. You could cleary see I was upset, depressed and maybe even dilusional but nothing could have prepared me for what was to happen. After many failed attempts to hint for help and being sent away several nights in a row from the hospital I wasnt sure what else to do...I paniced, Swallowing 25 relaxers and probably 50 some other odd pills. Anything I could find. Anything to slow my thoughts...everything went numb. My face first, then my legs and arms. I had to sit down. But settled on more of a fall to the couch. Brittany was yelling at me for being dumb or something of the sort. But at that moment I wasnt paying much attention. She asked me what I had taken. "pills" I said throwing my medicene bottle at her.
"I'm going to call your parents" next thing I know I can hear my dad on the other end yelling "call a god damn ambulance". Police first. Then Emergency works entered the tiny one room apartment. The asked me what I had taken but I was too numb for a real response. Instead I tried to point. No luck.

"Here we go" one on each side of me lifting me and dragging my knees on the ground. As I got closer to the door I could see the flashing lights of the ambulance and squad car outside. Everyone on the block seemed to come out of their houses to see what was going on.

My neibghor next door. Phil. Had come out and while being dragged past his door I looked up and smiled. Thats the last I remember until waking up on my back in a hospital bed.

Side Note 1: Bus rides are enough to drive anyone crazy. Especially a bus full of homeless people, house wives and misfits. The smell and the feel of the air always felt like it was too much. I felt trapped. Sufficated by the coughing, sneezing and breathing of those people.

its been a long time since ive updated this. i check deviant art every other day or so and ive been making more and more wallpapers but i just dont get around to uploading them. a stand-alone upload program would be great....anyway, enjoy.


-Colin

im alot easier to get ahold of either through myspace or AIM

[link]

or

bruisexmachine on AIM.